I told you that you should have gone to sleep! My friend was over last night and I couldn’t just like, ignore her to write. I’m trying to finish it right now. I’m sorry!

After I give my doggy a bath. :)

You can go to sleep if you want! I’m not sure if I’m writing it tonight!

My friend is over right now, so probably tomorrow unless she doesn’t mind or unless she falls asleep. Either way, it’ll be up soon. :)

Yes I can! I was planning on it! That’s only part one! The second part will probably be with a different song. :)

I felt like writing this so while I was inspired, I wrote this for you guys. Enjoy.

And when I see you, I really see you upside down…

But my brain knows better,

It flips you up and turns you around…

I sat in the middle of the floor, a bottle of vodka in my left hand and a photo album in my right. I had been denying myself of this release for entirely too long. She caught me off guard today when I saw her in Starbucks. I had been feeling ok, finally able to live my life normally again. I started to go out, see my friends, but then I saw her. Her cold stare directly into my eyes, showing nothing but remorse for our relationship. We were going so strong, I didn’t understand. I couldn’t even comprehend the idea of not being together when she first told me she wanted to leave. 

“I can’t do this anymore,” She had said, biting her lip and looking down at the ground, “I’m sorry.”

“But I don’t understand,” And I honestly didn’t, I felt my heart sink right down to my stomach with her words, I felt my hands start to shake, my breath was uneven, “What is happening right now? I thought we were doing great, I thought we were strong. I don’t see how this could happen.”

“I feel like—” She stopped abruptly to think, “Like it isn’t the same as we first met anymore. When you would text me every morning to tell me you loved me, when there was still that spark when we kissed. Even your goodnight calls when we weren’t together. You rarely said you loved me anymore, I don’t know,” her eyes started to flood with tears. 

What she didn’t understand was that we had been together for years. I thought we were strong enough to get comfortable with each other. Like I didn’t have to constantly remind her that I loved because by then she should have known, in her heart, that I loved her with everything I had. I thought we were there, I thought we were ready for the next step, but I pushed her away without intending to. By the end, I wasn’t giving her what I didn’t think she needed anymore when she did. 

It’s really bursting at the seams,

Absorbing everything…

The spectrum’s A to Z…

For a while after I saw her walk out the door with her bags, I felt my world sink. I spent weeks and weeks on end inside my house. Not crying, not mourning our lost love, but sitting. Thinking of nothing. Mindlessly watching television, not talking to anyone. I wouldn’t linger in my thoughts, I just simply stayed perfectly still, because any movement I made would trigger that moment that I was avoiding, where I would collapse. I had finally pushed her out of my mind and repressed the memories. I began to have a normal life again. I stayed with my family as often as possible to avoid staying my house alone. I had started to feel comfortable again, to smile, to laugh. I was slowly recovering. Then I saw her. Earlier I had seen her in Starbucks. I walked in to get my daily morning coffee. I stopped by and ordered my drink. As I was walking toward the door, she started walking in. Her eyes burned into mine, a cold, empty stare, destroying what was left of my good mood. Of what I had built up to. I froze in place as she walked right past me, feeling pieces of my strength fall off, bit by tiny bit. 

Now I’m here, wondering to myself, what happened to us? I thought we were perfect. It was no longer just her and I. It was us. We were us. I didn’t know there could be a world without us anymore. That was the world I lived in, the world I thought would be there until I grew old. A world that I would see flash before my eyes as I died of old age, next to the woman I loved. Maybe we were young, but I thought I knew it in my heart. I thought it was fact, something I could hold onto. It was yanked out of my hands due to misconception, the truth I thought I knew turned out to be a lie. I took a drink and turned the page on our photo album, staring at us. Our smiles were wide and genuine. How could something that seemed so real turn out to be a lie? It was captured in these moments, and even though we see them on pieces of glossy paper, captured by the photons reacting to the light, something that was real, it’s all gone. It disappeared. I wanted her back in my life with such a horrible yearning. It yanked at me every day in the back of my mind, thinking of ways that I could have avoided this. As I felt the alcohol hitting me more and more, I felt her more and more. Still pulling at my weak, weak heart. 

This is fact, not fiction,

For the first time in years…

All the girls in every girly magazine can’t make me feel

Any less alone…

I’m reaching for the phone…

I reached for my phone in my pocket and dialed her number. I didn’t think twice about it. I just had to talk to her. Right now. I needed to hear her voice. Hi, it’s Jasmine V, baby! Leave a message and I’ll get back to you. I knew she wouldn’t pick up the phone. Why would she? She’s happy, she’s fine without me. I need her more than she ever needed me. 

I call at 7:03, 

And on your machine, I slur a plea

For you to come home…

“Jas,” I say, “You weren’t going to pick up. I knew it. But I just have so much to say. You know, I was the happiest I had ever been when I had you, and I thought we were two pieces of a puzzle. I had this idea that you’d stay, and that everything we were going through was real and here to stay. The day you left, I can’t even explain. I felt like someone was tearing me to shreds. The pain was almost physical. I didn’t know that you still needed all of those things from me, but I loved you so much. Wasn’t that enough? I didn’t think you needed constant reminders of my love for you because I thought it was engraved in your mind, just like I thought I knew that you loved me. It’s been a few months now, but this pain feels as raw as the day you left. If you would have told me before, I promise I would have changed. I would have made you just as happy as you made me. I just want you to come back,” I felt tears in my eyes as I paused, “I just want you to come back home, to our home. I’d do anything to have you back. I just wish I would have known so I could do something to avoid this. Please, Jasmine, I still love you. Please come back to me.” I hung up the phone and slumped into the couch, fighting back the tears. 

But I know it’s too late,

And I should’ve given you a reason to stay…

I grabbed the photo album from the floor and started flipping through the pages. As the pages went by, I noticed something that I hadn’t noticed before. I saw her smile become more and more forced, I saw her more and more distant. Her eyes lacked that certain twinkle. I guess I refused to see what was right in front of me then. I wanted to believe that we were happy, so denied it to myself. I let myself see what I wanted and block out what I didn’t. If only I had noticed before, if I would have done something, she would be sitting next to me right now. Please come back.

I should have given you a reason to stay…

mybiebzscenarios:

Everything has changed your love is off the chain.

Monica had the biggest smile on her face. She twirled and fell back onto her bed. He told me he loved me! Love! He used the L word! She giggled softly and kept smiling. A thousand church bells rang in her head. Angels sang as he…